Internal Struggle
by I.Am.A.Nerfherder
Summary: Fang remembers a traumatic day in Manhattan. He is often overcome with guilt and relieves it by either hurting himself or the Flock. He refuses to hurt the Flock but is forbidden to hurt himself. Warning:self-mutilation, traumatic events, suicidal thought


(A/N: I know this song was someone else's original idea

(A/N: I know this song was someone else's original idea. However, I thought I might use the song and the character again.)

"Happy birthday, Nudge!" shouts Angel. Her voice is joined by those of Gazzy, Iggy, and Max. Max gives her a big hug. Iggy kisses the top of her head. Gazzy hands her a present. It says, Happy Birthday, Nudge. Love, Gazzy and Angel. Nudge beams with happiness and opens her gift. It's a bracelet just like the one she's been wanting for so long.

I watch her as she holds her wrist out to Max to fasten the clasp. She and Max turn to look at me simultaneously. I fake a big smile and hear myself say, "Congratulations, Nudge. Today is your day." Yes, Nudge. Today is your day. Everything is about you and your past and your future. We're celebrating everything you've lived through and the fact that you're still alive. We're celebrating the fact that you've seen so much trauma for such a young age. Today is your day. You should be looking back over your happy life, of romping in the sprinklers, of playing with your Barbies. Don't look back, Nudge. Don't remember.

_Memories consume  
Like opening the wound  
I'm picking me apart again_

It's been so long since that day. So many other days, so many other years. And still: my mind comes back to this particular day. It was a perfect day, sunny, blue skies, not too hot. The whole flock was out for the day in downtown New York. We acted like normal tourists for the day. We stopped for lunch in a little soup-and-salad all-you-can-eat bar. Nudge finished first and I finished second. Nudge, being Nudge, had seen a shop that she wanted to go in. So she begged and begged and finally Max relented and allowed her to go see the shop, as long as I came along. After all, this is New York we're talking about. We left the restaurant and cut through a couple of alleyways, knowing that we'd be fine, what with our honed bird-kid fighting skills and our powerful wings and extra-sharp senses. But they closed in on us nonetheless. They were humans, nondescript, plain, some even ugly. It didn't register to me that they were all men. I took a fighting stance. "What do you want?" I asked, in as normal a voice as I could muster. I felt Nudge behind me, tense and ready to spring. I was so proud of her even if I would never in a million years admit it to anyone.

The four advanced. That was when I realized that they were all men. I also realized, with a flash of panic, what they wanted. "Run, Nudge!" I shouted. She sprinted away, past the first couple. The last one managed to grab her. I started towards him, ready to rip his throat out, maybe castrate him if he touched her like that. But in my rage my thoughts were clouded and my hands were tied. I yelled threats and curses at them, warned them that they would never have a night's easy sleep, that I would be there watching and waiting to kill them if they touched my sister. They threw me into a brick wall and one sat on my calves to keep me from moving. I thrashed, as much as Nudge, as they tied her hands as well. The man sitting on my legs grabbed one of Nudge's ankles. Another grabbed her hands and pulled them up over her head, putting one hand over her mouth. The third man held her other ankle. And the fourth man? He leaned down, flipped Nudge's skirt up, pulled her underpants down, and leaned over her, pinning her shoulders to the ground. I heard her muffled screams under the fourth man's rhythmic grunts, until the man finally gave a moan of…completion… and got up. He pulled his pants up and traded places with another man. This went on until each man had his satisfaction with my little Nudge. Finally, at long last, they untied Nudge and ran laughing.  
How could I have let this happen? I was the biggest, the second-in-command. I was supposed to give protection. Nudge was crying as she untied me. I picked her up and we left the alley. "Don't tell Max," she begged through her tears. "Please don't tell Max."

What was I supposed to say? I just held her a little closer.

After that, I didn't talk to anyone very much, just what was necessary, and usually monosyllabic. Nudge recovered quickly and didn't mention anything to Max or any of the others. She shielded the occurrence from Angel.

I was overridden with guilt. I knew it was entirely my fault that innocent, sweet Nudge had been tainted. I knew I had to be punished. No one else knew, could know, what I had let happen. And so I punished myself. Or that's what it was at first. After a while, I grew to enjoy the sensation of the razor blade gliding through my flesh. It was a relief to feel another kind of pain, or a guilt that had nothing to do with Nudge. Of course, eventually Iggy found out and told Max. None of the younger kids know about it, not even Nudge. Especially not Nudge. I suffered the humiliation, promised I would stop, and did stop. Until now.

I get up and leave the room while no one is looking. They all know I'm okay now. The scars have faded, the shock has worn off. They know I'm safe.

_You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
Unless I try to start again_

I've been terrible to everyone lately, ever since I stopped cutting. I don't think any of them have really thought about it. I fight more with Max. I yell at Angel. Sometimes I pick fights with Max just so I can scream at someone. It's whenever I feel guilty about Nudge, or whenever I feel upset, really. I have to let it out somehow, and it's fight or cut. And, of course, I promised not to cut, so I have to fight. Every time something happens, something sad like Total's death, I cannot cut, I cannot cry, I cannot break down. But I must do something. So I fight. I would really rather not, but I must do something or I will kill myself. And that would be leaving Max, and that is something I've promised never to do.

_I don't want to be the one  
The battle's always 'choose'_

I know I shouldn't do this, I know I shouldn't make the rest of the flock go through this. But it's something I can't stop.

_But inside I realize_

_That I'm the one confused  
_

I think it's time to stop hurting the woman I love, my best friend, and the children I love. If I have to break my promise not to cut, so be it.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream_

_I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean_

I love Angel. I love Gazzy. I love Nudge. I love Iggy. I love Max beyond belief. But I cannot stand myself. I don't understand how I could have been so cocky as to go into that alleyway with Nudge. I don't understand how I could have been subdued by three humans. I cannot comprehend the monstrosity of what I allowed to happen that day, even if I think of it every night as I try to sleep.

_I don't know how I got this way,_

_I know it's not all right_

_So I'm breaking the habit_

I can break my promise to Max and kill myself, which would end the guilt. I'd probably burn in hell for what I allowed to happen, though, and I can't imagine the pain I would put Max through. I can't do that.

_I'm breaking the habit_

I can break my promise to Iggy and cut myself again, which would hurt no one but myself. I could go back to being good to Max and the flock again. I could joke around like I used to.

_Tonight._

I can break my promise to Nudge and tell Max. Max would help me hunt down the men and murder them brutally.

_Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door_

I know what to do. I'll spare the Flock the fights, the yelling, the screaming. I won't leave Max. Nudge's secret will be safe with me. I'll break my promise to Iggy. I'll do it again. Things will go back to normal, as normal as they can get for mutants. No one will be any the wiser.

_I heard much more_

_Than any time before_

_I have no options left again_

This cannot go on. I've heard Max cry so many times. I've heard Angel ask her why I am always so angry. I've seen Max crying into Iggy's shoulder after some of our more vicious arguments. I've seen Angel cling to Gazzy in terror when I scream at Max or at Iggy. But yesterday, I heard Max and Iggy talking about my antics and what to tell the little ones about what's wrong with me. I can't hurt them any more than I already have.

I bring the blade up to my right wrist and make a short slash.

I will not hurt Max. I will not frighten my family.

_I don't want to be the one  
The battle's always 'choose'  
Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused_

I know I've been wrong all along, ever since we came back from that trip to New York. I know I shouldn't have gone into that dark alleyway with Nudge. I was wrong to think that we would be able to fight them off. I was wrong to think that our status as bird kid mutant freaks would somehow protect us from all of the obscene, that I could protect my family from anything unclean. Hard as I tried, it still all came to nothing that day.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I heard you scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean_

I have, at one point or another, insulted all of my Flock members, with the exception of Nudge. I take things I know will hurt them and I hurl them at my family at their most vulnerable moments. Until now, I thought that it was better to yell and fight than to break any of my promises. But it's better to hurt myself than it is to hurt the ones I love.

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I'll never be all right_

I don't think anything, even the brutal murder of those men, would ever take away the guilt of that day. The guilt is just something to take care of, like I am doing now.

_I'm breaking the habit_

I raise the blade again and make a cut parallel to the one I just made.

_I'm breaking the habit_

I connect the top of the first cut with the bottom of the second. I follow it up with a third parallel cut with three perpendicular, evenly spaced, shorter cuts branching off it. Then two opposing diagonals meeting at the bottom. Another vertical cut with three branches. A line parallel to the first, a half-circle on the right, from the top to the middle of the vertical line. A shorter, diagonal line from the intersection of the bottom of the half-circle and the vertical line.

NEVER.

On the other arm, my left arm, I carve another five letters.

AGAIN.

NEVER AGAIN.

_I'll paint it on the walls_

_Cause I'm the one at fault_

A drop of blood runs from the end of the 'R' and falls onto my jeans. It vanishes into the black cotton. Suddenly all becomes clear to me. I know what to do this time. I stand up, walk casually across the room, pick up a sheet of lined paper. I press my still-bleeding wounds against the mirror Max and I share, press the paper against the little beads on the glass. They pick up surprisingly well. I clean off the glass, find a red marker, and write below the bloodstain a promise. This will become my law. I will live by this oath.

_I'll never fight again  
And this is how it ends_

I pull down my sleeve and go out into the party. Angel cringes as I walk past her. I find Max and pull her aside. She looks at me warily and I don't blame her. I would be worried, too. I take her arm and lead her into our room. She is silent as I tell her everything.

_I don't want to be the one_

_The battle's always 'choose'_

I tell of the guilt. I tell why I started cutting in the first place and why it evolved. Vaguely, I recognize that Max isn't concentrating on what's important. I stop her in the middle of a sentence. I don't know what she's saying. I tell her it's not important, whatever she's saying.

_Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused_

Why has Nudge recovered so easily? How can she be the same after that terrible incident? How is it that she can laugh, play, live like any other innocent girl?

How can she forgive me for letting it happen? How can she still be around me? How can she still talk to me?

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream_

The only thing that's really kept me going is the idea that maybe someday, I'd find those men and murder them. Now that Max knows, though, she'll find them. She'll punish them. My work is done here. If I can't be strong, if I can't look strong to them, I have nothing to live for.

_But now I have some clarity,_

_I'll show you what I mean_

Tomorrow, I will begin my new life. Tomorrow, I will be put to the test. Tomorrow, I will return to the old version of me. If I can't do that, I will commit suicide. Better that the flock feels more intense pain for a short time and recover eventually than… better that than having my family suffer every day for an indeterminate time.

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I'll never be all right_

How can I take responsibility for what happened that day? How can I not? How can I live with myself? How can Nudge live with herself? Nudge never did anything to deserve any of this.

_So I'm breaking the habit_

I remember that Max, the love of my life, is still in the room, watching me, about to talk. I hold up my hand. Blood drips from the cuff of my black shirt. Max doesn't seem to notice; her eyes are too intent on my face.

_I'm breaking the habit_

I turn away and walk across the room, look in the mirror. I see Max behind me, pain in her eyes. I can't do this anymore. I must show them I care. I bend over and pick up the paper bearing my promise.

_I'm breaking the habit_

I pick it up and take it over to Max, not caring that blood is pooling in the corner of the page where my clenched hand makes an imprint. I hold it in front of myself for a minute, burning the words, the promise into my mind forever. Max has noticed the blood dripping off the bottom of the paper. I turn it around and hold it in front of her. NEVER AGAIN. I WILL NOT HURT YOU LIKE THAT.

Her lips move silently as she reads it, over and over again. I see realization in her eyes. She reaches towards me, reaches to roll my sleeve up. Instead of my sleeve, her fingers grasp my promise. I take a step back and roll up my sleeves in a single motion. I fling my arms out wide, sending a few drops of blood spattering onto the walls. NEVER AGAIN.

_Tonight._


End file.
